On The Lighter Side: A Few Golf Jokes, Quotes, Musings & Resolutions

I don’t know about you, but I am badly in need of a few smiles and laughs. As the great columnist Erma Bombeck wrote, "When humor goes, there goes civilization." So just for a couple of minutes, let’s take a timeout from the real world.

“I have noticed, and I suppose other people have noticed, that in the golf education of every man there is a definitive point at which he may be said to have crossed the dividing line – the Rubicon, as it were – that separates the golfer from the non-golfer. This moment comes immediately after his first good drive.” – P.G. Wodehouse, from his book, The Clicking of Cuthbert, which was originally published in 1922.

A Golf Truism: Trying to hit something hard is in a man’s DNA. – 1502golf.com.

Dear Abby, 

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls."

It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?

Signed,

Perplexed

When asked what three things an aging golfer loses, six-time Major winner Lee Trevino (born 1939) said, “His nerve, his memory and I can’t remember the third thing.”

LEARNING FROM PAST MISTAKES

James and his friend Tom were playing a round of golf with their wives early on a Sunday. It was a four ball, better ball format with a little bit of cash on the line.

James stood on the 10th tee having hooked his previous three tee shots, and to no one's surprise he hooked his drive again. When he found his ball, it was right up against one of the greenskeeper's buildings. His wife advised him to hit the shot through a narrow gap between the side of the building and some branches.

"I can't do that," James said. "Look how narrow that gap is!" But his wife was persistent in urging him on, and she persuaded James to attempt the risky shot.

So James took a mighty swing and struck the ball ... and the ball caromed off a tree branch, ricocheted off the building and hit his wife in the head, knocking her stone cold dead.

A week after the funeral, James and another friend, Ashley, were having a round. James teed up the ball on No. 10 and hit the exact shot he had hit a week before.

He found his ball in the same spot, and once again his partner advised him to hit through the gap.

"No way," James said. "I can't hit that shot.

"Why not?" Ashley asked him.

"Well," James replied, "you know what happened last time."

"No, I don't," said Ashley. "What happened?"

"Well, last time I tried that shot," James said, "I made a double bogey!"

“GOLF: A passion, an obsession, a romance, a nice acquaintanceship with trees, sand, and water.”

– Sportswriter Bob Ryan

After much thought, I have come up with my New Year’s golf resolutions:

1. NEVER START A ROUND WITHOUT SETTLING ON THE BET.
2. DON’T TRY STUPID SHOTS!

And finally, I will leave you with this must-remember quote: “A smile will gain you ten more years of life.” -- Chinese Proverb

Smile Away!

Allan