Golf Jokes, Quotes & Anecdotes

I don’t know about you, but the month between Thanksgiving and Christmas seems to disappear faster than one of those small bags of Peanut M&Ms. Between work, family commitments, cocktail and dinner parties, shopping and umpteen great football and basketball games on TV, it is difficult to even remember what day it is.

That’s why this seems like a good week to forgo talk about swing thoughts, tips on the backswing and in-depth lessons on the mental side of the game and go with the lighter side of the world’s greatest game. After all, tis the season to be jolly.

Sign Of The Times*

During the 2002 PGA Championship at Hazeltine National GC (MN), a nearby church decided to turn the event into a lesson for passers-by. Outside the church, the sermon sign read, “Golf is one way God keep us humble.”

If Truth Be Told

During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level.

He described a typical day this way:

“Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from two testy dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, walked through a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and fell down an embankment.

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, “You must be one hell of an outdoorsman!”

“Nah,” he replied, I'm just the world’s worst golfer.”

 “If God wanted you to putt cross-handed, he would have made your left arm longer.” – Lee Trevino (b. 1939), winner of six Majors

Father Knows Best*

In one of the early Masters in the mid-1930s, Bobby Jones’s father, Colonel Robert P. Jones, was pressed into service as a rules official.

It had rained hard at Augusta the night before the final round, creating soggy fairways. At the 12th hole a player summoned Jones and requested relief from casual water. The colonel asked him where he stood in the tournament.

“Eighteen over,” the player answered.

The colonel told him, “Hell, do anything you,” and walked away. 

Only A True Golfer Will Understand These

If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there. 

The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing. 

The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors. 

Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts. 

Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe. 

Fact: Hazards attract; fairways repel.

A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours. 

It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the lawn

If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.

A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.

“Golf is 20 percent mechanics and technique. The other 80 percent is philosophy, humor, tragedy, romance, melodrama, companionship, camaraderie, cussedness and conversation. – Sportswriter Grantland Rice (1880 to 1954)

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." -- Benjamin Franklin 

Try to remember that a person may be a most indifferent golfer, and yet be a good Christian gentleman, and in some respects worthy of our esteem.” – Englishman Horace G. Hutchinson, from his book, Hints on Golf (1886)

*These and other anecdotes can be found in the book, Golf Is A Funny Game by Allan Zullo & Chris Rodell.

Smile Away!

Allan (I have actually begun my Christmas shopping.)

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